I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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