I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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