I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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