Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I have surprise drugs for everyone
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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