Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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