his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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