So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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