If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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