note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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