So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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