i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
