Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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