he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
