I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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