yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
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He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME