I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.