I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
