she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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