She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
