dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
