i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Two words: nipple clamps
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