There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
