The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
