Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
