My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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