If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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