The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
