I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.