People in love make me want to vomit
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.