I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
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You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
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And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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