In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
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Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
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Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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