too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
