We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
