I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
