What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
