i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
