Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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