i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
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he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
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I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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