I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
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I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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