I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
