i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I can't turn off my feet"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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