Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
i think i just lost a toe
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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