Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
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I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
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Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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