so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
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He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
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Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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