please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
