Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
