Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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