I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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