see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
