You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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