wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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