and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
