Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
