Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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