those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS