I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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